When I was trying to figure out what to call this I was brainstorming and came up with some great names. There was a lot of deep stuff and it was nice, and pretty and who knows I may use one in the future so I will keep those in the vault for now. But none were feeling quite right. There was something missing.
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Because, I’m silly and the “empowered’ or “inspired” type names just didn’t quite share that piece of me and the truth of my growth process. One of my strengths is that I am honest, sometimes uncomfortably or maybe even awkwardly. I can’t help it. There are certain people who can just tell by the look on my face that I am not comfortable. The good news is that in recovery rigorous honesty is encouraged. So I’ve gotten nine years of practice! Not to mention therapy before sobriety, and some incredible self help books and workshops galore since then.
I recently started a podcast with two of my friends. After hearing yourself talk (once you get past the part of how icky your voice sounds) about my stuff I was reminded of a quote that I love. I WILL SEDUCE YOU WITH MY AWKWARDNESS.
Since I was little I was always a wee bit different/awkward. I remember I wouldn’t be allowed to knock on anyones door until 8am and I would be so bored and lonely. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood and sing sad songs from Grease or AirSupply to myself feeling oh so lonely. I would round the corner to the school park, dramatically put my bike down and get on the swings dragging my feet and spinning around. Because it was the crack of dawn and no one was awake yet I would swing and sing out loud. I can picture myself bellowing out “Don’t cry out loud, learn how to hide your feelings, fly high and cry…..” Well, if that song isn’t a cog in the stuff your feelings machine.
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It became a trend this melancholy girl thing. Through jr high and high school and I was good at hiding it, but it was somehow this underlying thing that just had me feeling less than. Which is also bizarre because I was a big joiner, president of student council and in all the plays in high school. That flare for the dramatic came in handy!
Then came the party and drinking really helped me to not feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It was fun for a while but got ugly and then eventually unbearable. When I was 37 I can picture myself again on those swings and singing Pink’s song Sober, “I don’t wanna be the girl that laughs the loudest.”
That was the beautiful breakthrough moment deciding to get help and my journey to becoming awesome. It’s not always perfect, in fact as I change and grow it IS AWKWARD. But I will awkwardly stumble my way to awesome any day, than go back to swinging on the swings sad!
Peace & Hugs
