So today I was inspired to record and post a new video about how I start my day. Vulnerability alert – I taped it with no makeup on, which is a “thing” for me and that’s ok. It’s just a short glimpse of the morning ritual I am cultivating to stay centered in my recovery.
When I first got sober I DID NOT believe in God whatsoever! Through working the steps, going to meetings, working with others and a lot of prayer to someone else’s higher power I discovered a new experience. This is an integral part of recovery that I thought I would absolutely fail. At the tables, they told me to keep coming back and use the group and just be open minded. The gift is that I did all of those things and somehow it has allowed me to not only stay sober but find a feeling of peace and contentment in my heart that I never knew existed.
You see I was always stressed. Even as a child I remember being blue, or not feeling good enough or feeling like I didn’t belong. There was an underlying current that I was going to do something wrong or something bad was going to happen. I had zero freedom from those negative thoughts. I’m sure when I was really little that wasn’t true, but as long as I can remember riding my bike around the neighborhood it must have been around 3rd or 4th grade if I had to guess. And over the years it just intensified.
You would probably have never guessed it by looking at me. I had a great face of happiness and pretended pretty well. Of course, there were times of fun and joy, but that current of self-loathing was always running underneath. When I discovered alcohol that was truly the first time that that current went away! It was as if there were magic and release and I could breathe easier. For many years I was able to successfully drink and live a good life. However, whenever something really bad happened I was drunk. Those bad things started to culminate and occur more often. Then my desire to stop the current came more and more and alcohol was my boss. It had me. If I wasn’t drinking or smoking weed, I was obsessing about when I could. The merry go round many of the people in recovery and not yet in recovery experience.
So, nine years ago I walked in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and my life has been forever changed. It took some time of being clear minded and most importantly working the 12 steps. But EUREKA, I have been able to stop that current. Now I have a new current and it’s one of contentment and peace. I really didn’t think that was real or even possible. In fact, I thought people who said they were happy were full of it.
So today I have found it through so many different strategies. Strategies I’ve learned in the rooms, through great books and self-help/self-improvement guides. Through a lot of quiet time and prayer. Every day is a fresh start a chance to get that higher power, God, the Divine Source whatever I call it doesn’t matter. It fills me up when I allow it to and has made me a better and happier human being.
Here is my morning ritual as it is right now. If you’re in recovery don’t compare what you do to what I do. I hope that it can help you and give some examples of how I have discovered and learned and evolved my practice. If you are not in recovery I hope you can gain some insight as well.
As they say in the program, take what you like and leave the rest!
